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RULES OF FAMILY LIFE
Dear friends, we offer you a new interview with Oleg Gadetsky. You will learn what affects the duration of the marriage, what changes and how to behave a man with the birth of a child, whether to save the family when one of the partners changes, and much more.
Leading:Greetings to all the listeners of Avtoradio. The “Authority” rubric is on the air and its presenter is with you, - Stanislav Eremin. Today, our guest is the head of the educational project “Psychology of the Third Millennium”, psychologist-trainer, author of unique methods of personal growth, Oleg Gadetsky. Oleg, have a nice day.
Oleg Gadetsky:Good afternoon!
Leading:Oleg, I know that you are not the first time in Tomsk. How do you think, do residents of our city differ from residents of other regions?
Oleg Gadetsky: I notice that Tomsk citizens are very open people. I have not seen the whole city, but in a good sense of the word, I have the feeling of a big village. In the village, people are open and hospitable.They know each other well and live as one family.
Leading: You have hit the mark. We all call our town a small village. Oleg, I would like to talk a little about you. Tell me, who prompted you to enter the St. Petersburg Technical University on the specialty "Social and psychological training" - friends, parents, or is it destiny?
Oleg GadetskyA: I think it was fate. I never had the idea to become a psychologist, but I always lived with a sense of trust in the Higher Power, in its leadership. In life there were various events that could be attributed to random, but it is not. They pointed and opened my way.
If a person lives with confidence in Life, then he receives her invisible leadership and fate itself begins to lead him.
Leading:Ekaterina Kasyanova asks: “How do you feel about the fatality of fate? If a person needs to get experience that is not related to chastity, then what should he do if Vedic knowledge is about morality? ”
Oleg Gadetsky: No need to go to extremes. Fate has natural limitations. I will give an example. When you go on the road, you follow the rules of the road.Traffic lights and signs limit your movement. They tell you where to go, and where not. At the same time, you have the freedom to go forward. Similarly, in life. In the fate of a person there are limitations that must be considered.
For example, you were born in Tomsk, not in New York and, despite this, you have the freedom to implement and move forward. Restrictions must be respected in the same way as the rules of the road. They tell a person the direction of his development. When you start living in harmony with limitations, you have the opportunity to move forward.
Do you think the captain of a sailboat is free or limited? Someone will say: "Of course, he is not free, because he depends on the wind, which he must obey." Sorry, if we treat the wind like this, then we’ll never sail anywhere. The very frame of mind that there are limitations in the world that hinder the achievement of a goal leads a person to a standstill in development. When there is an understanding that I, as a captain, respect the world and its laws, then the wind will be perceived by me as a condition for further travel. Therefore, I will respect the direction of the wind and set the sails so that it moves the boat forward.
Freedom is manifested through cooperation with life and with space.
Leading:Why is it so difficult in life to make a decision? For example, I was born in Tomsk, but I want to live by the sea. How can I decide to move and leave friends, relatives, work here?
Oleg Gadetsky: When a person has a dream, and there is no intention, then he will always dream all his life. When a person does not just dream, but intends to accomplish a goal, then it will be much easier for him to make a decision.
Intention is a force that arises when a person realizes that in his desire there is something more important and valuable than just living by the sea. When a situation arises in front of you in which you need to make a decision, I recommend that you ask the question: “Why?”. In other words, what values I implement in the desire to live by the sea? What happens and changes in life if it happens? What prospects and opportunities will open?
At one time, Sigmund Freud said that man has a consciousness and a subconscious. Very often, we are driven by unconscious desires that do not always benefit. For example, imagine that I want to eat a cake. If I am a reasonable person, I must ask myself: “What is important to me?”. I can answer that I just want to eat it.And I can remember that I have problems with the liver and if I eat a cake covered with fat cream, then after a while I will feel bad. As a result of these reflections, I will come to the conclusion that for me the greatest value is the rejection of it.
I would strongly advise you to take a piece of paper and write answers to it. In life, it is very important to periodically conduct a value check of goals and desires. Self-analysis allows a person to begin to realize life.
Leading:Recently we had 4 festival of family and family values. At the festival, they talked a lot about the fact that today, family values are becoming very blurred, is that so?
Oleg Gadetsky: Previously, at the heart of the family was moral culture. People understood that God connected them with this man. First and foremost, they were accountable before God for what he was husband or wife, father or mother. Now there is no such thing, most families have the desire only to enjoy their feelings. They are looking for a partner that will satisfy their need. Hence there is no confidence in the relationship and civil marriage.
Leading:That is, it turns out that the newlyweds became a family, enjoyed each other, and when the buzz ended, they split up in search of a new object to satisfy their desires.Why after a divorce, they marry again? You can also live a civil marriage without a stamp in the passport.
Oleg Gadetsky: Stanislav, you know, fewer and fewer couples go to the registry office today. Look at the statistics. I was now told that in Kazakhstan, as in America, the registration of relations takes place with the help of street machines. You simply insert your passport into them, and he stamps on either a marriage or a divorce. This is the modern world.
When love is built on the desire to enjoy, then after a while the person becomes fed up with it. It's like having a meal. When we eat something tasty, the taste is enhanced and the pleasure becomes greater, and then, at some point, there is an aversion to food. Over time, a crisis sets in in a relationship, and one of the partners will inevitably have a question: “Why do I need it?”.
A crisis in family relationships can be experienced only when the partners have mutual respect and gratitude for each other. If not, then the relationship will be unstable and eventually exhaust itself.
Leading:What qualities should love be built on?
Oleg GadetskyA: I will bring you an interesting thing. Eastern and Western marriage are very different from each other.In the West, people marry and marry the one they love, and in the East, people love the one with whom they have created a family. So in the West more than 90% of marriages break up, and in the East only 5%. Feel the difference?
I sometimes visit India and see the warm and attentive attitude of people towards each other. It would seem that people married or married not for the one they love, but the relationship begins to develop. Because they are based on common values, common nature and responsibility.
Leading:Marina Kartasheva, a radio listener, asks a question: “Why do some situations and difficulties repeat in life? I overcame them once, but time passes and they appear again. I seem to be stepping on the same rake. ”
Oleg Gadetsky: If I stepped on a rake, and they hit me on the forehead, then I still broke through them. I went further, but this does not mean that I overcame them. To overcome, means that I learned the experience and how the personality has changed, realized the lessons that life has presented to me. And if I went ahead and met another rake, thinking to myself that I had met something familiar and came again, the effect would be the same. If they met on the way again, it means that I did not draw conclusions and did not learn a lesson.
Life is a kind teacher and if we don’t learn a lesson from a situation, then the homework is repeated. The teacher wishes you well and wants you to learn something. The whole question is in us: “Are we ourselves disciples or are we striving to ensure that there are fewer obstacles and difficulties in life, and only pleasures?”
Leading:In life as in school, you first need to learn, and then in practice apply the lessons that fate brought.
Oleg Gadetsky: Yes.
Leading:How do you think the modern Internet society, social networks, YouTube affect family relationships?
Oleg Gadetsky: The influence of the Internet, of course, is. The life of people is becoming more and more public. Everything that happens in life is exposed to public display. I think that one of the effects of social networks is that they create the illusion of happiness. A person may not feel satisfied, but in the photos he looks happy.
Recently, a friend told me that he witnessed the following picture. Several people approached the temple. By their appearance, he realized that on the eve they had a good time, as they looked tired and gloomy.Approaching the beautiful place in the temple, they took out a camera, and instantly a happy smile appeared on their faces, which also quickly disappeared after the picture was taken.
Now many people play a happy life, but in reality it is not so. Instead of truly becoming happy, satisfied and realized, many people begin to create an illusion and live in it.
Social networks are neutral, but in the hands of people they become agents of the energies of good or evil. They can show real success stories, and they can carry negative information, in contact with which a person will feel miserable and depressed.
Leading:Can the Internet affect family relationships? As you know, comments and photos can be posted comments. Often, these comments are negative. For example, under a family photo, people can write: "You do not fit each other" or "How do you generally tolerate each other." How can this affect relationships?
Oleg Gadetsky: You know, I think that likes and comments make a person not free.Instead of focusing on his inner values, he breaks contact with himself and begins to adapt to the opinions of the people around him. Each person has a deep intuition, beliefs, priorities and self-image of the present. What do likes and comments? They form in man the conviction that he must conform to modern fashion.
Following the fashion, many women pump their lips and they do not always look beautiful, but fashion is fashion. As for relationships, the game also begins here. A man begins to pose, show himself and create an image that I am fine, but there is no real happiness and relationships. We need to think about it.
Leading:I think that one should not react to such comments and pay more attention to oneself.
Oleg Gadetsky: I agree with you. You need to be free and build a real relationship.
Leading:Oleg, now I would like to touch on the subject of family values. How do you think a man should manifest himself when a child appears? What qualities should he demonstrate to a woman and where is this line in the duties of a man and a woman?
Oleg Gadetsky: The first thing I would like to say to men is that with the appearance of a child in the family, they will face a serious test of male qualities. A woman will naturally give all of herself to a child and her attention to a man will decrease. In young families, this problem often occurs.
Leading:Men get jealous, right?
Oleg Gadetsky: I want to say that when a man has a feeling of jealousy, in a sense he is not a man. Because a man is one who protects and protects. He needs to understand how much labor, physical and mental strength a woman gives to a child.
A woman with a small child in her arms is in need of signs of attention from the side of a man. She needs men's support, emotional, tactile support in word or deed. In this situation, a lot depends on the man and on his self-confidence.
Dear women, be near to the man weak, share difficulties. A man joins in solving problems when a woman asks him for help and shows his weakness and insecurity. Women, do not try to do everything for the child yourself - ask your husband, complain to him. Just say: “I really believe in you. I need help".
Dear men and women! Parenting is the responsible mission of parents. When the child came to your family, remember that he came to you from God. Above you have a great confidence in his education. I know a lot of families that are healthy, but they have no children. I want to ask you: “Please justify your roles. On whether the child receives your attention, unconditional love depends on what kind of person he becomes. It is because of your attention and unconditional love that strength, confidence, creativity and freedom begin to unfold in a child. ”
Leading:At the end of the meeting, another question: “Is it true that adultery most often occurs after the appearance of a child in the family? If so, why? How often does such a thing as “treason” occur in the family? ”.
Oleg Gadetsky: The root of betrayal is that people want to enjoy their partner. You know, paradoxically, but very often a lover or lover save the family from divorce. Why? Because a person receives compensation on the side, but if the partner is reasonable, he will perceive this situation as a task, as a lesson. He is aware and will understand that he must truly fight for another person, but not with his hands and feet, but by changing himself as a person.When a man or a woman begins to learn their lessons, improve character traits, then very often the family is restored. If instead of awareness there is a complaint and an insult, then the family falls apart.
Leading:Name three, four, five principles on which the modern family holds.
Oleg Gadetsky: I think that the most important thing for a modern family is to learn to be friends with each other, to create relationships based on equality, help and support.
Secondly, you need to learn to thank each other for the best that you get from your partner. If there are no words of gratitude, then there will be complaints. If there is no immunity, then the disease will come.
Third, you need to respect the partner and see in him the best qualities. And fourth, it is patience.
Leading:Well, dear listeners, those who are already in family relationships, or who are only going to build them, be friends, thank and respect each other!
Interview with Oleg Gadetsky on a visit to Autoradio in Tomsk