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I am You, You are I or about boundaries in co-dependent relationships.
Codependency, or love addiction, is dependence on another person. Often, co-addicted people are people who are in a relationship with a person who abuses alcohol, drugs, or computer games. But this is optional. In my opinion, it is important to experience, which is easiest to describe in words“I can't be without you” or “You can't be without me”.
A person entering into a co-dependent relationship cannot clearly separate his Self from the other person's I. He often does not understand that he feels that he wants, that he is going through, and the focus of attention of a person who is accustomed to enter into co-dependent relationships lies on the relationship itself, on its partner. This means that if I enter into a co-dependent relationship, I’ll beI think about something else, I care about something else, I worry about the other, but not for myself.
This is because a co-dependent person knows himself badly, he is not well oriented in his own feelings, emotions, experiences, desires. His sensitivity is directed at the other. He masterly knows how to guess what his partner needs. The question: “What do you want?” Can put him in a deadlock for a long time.He does not feel his own boundaries and does not notice that they are violated,and does not notice how he violates the boundaries. He is so used. A violation of the boundaries in co-dependent relationships always occur.
What is the psychological boundaries? And how do they break them?
Psychological boundaries are the boundaries of my I, self-awareness as a separate personfrom others, with their own characteristics, desires, emotions, experiences. Borders allow us to distinguish ourselves from another and their feeling is necessary in order to maintain a balance in the relationship between what I want and feel and what others want and feel.In fact, any person can feel their boundaries if they pay their attention to them.
Conventionally, there are several types of psychological boundaries:
- Physical boundaries
- Spatial boundaries
- Property boundaries
- Time boundaries
- Personal boundaries
I will tell a little about each form and ways of violation of these boundaries.
Physical boundaries are actually my body. Twhere it is, it is me, where it is not there, it is not me. Violations of physical boundaries are beatings, rape, everything that concerns the integrity of my body. Whenever someone touches me without my inner consent, whether it is a gentle touch or not, my physical boundary is violated.
Spatial boundaries are conditional, invisible boundaries.Each person, if he listens, can sense an intrusion into his space, for example, a stranger, when he comes too close to us. Spatial boundaries are culturally determined. For example, in our culture, the allowable distance between close friends is from 14 to 50 cm, and between unfamiliar people this distance will be too close; for unfamiliar people in our society, the distance is from 1.2 to 3, 5 meters. This distance is easy to feel in a simple experiment. For him, a second person is needed who will slowly approach you, and you will be attentive to yourself and mark for yourself what distance between you is comfortable for you, and at what moment of approach your discomfort begins.What happens to you if the person, despite your discomfort continues to approach.What do you want to do? Squeeze, run, hit?
Property boundaries lie where my property begins and ends.. Where “MY” is separated from “NOT MY”. Accordingly, the violation of my property boundaries may be the theft of my things or illegal use of them without my knowledge, permission or desire.
Time boundaries are again an invisible boundary that protects the time of my life.Thanks to the feeling of my time limit, I can understand what I’m ready for and want to spend my time in, and what I don’t. For example, I am not ready to wait an hour late for my girlfriend, because I have other plans for this evening, and after 15 minutes of waiting I will go to a cafe without her. Or I do not want to talk on the phone after 22 pm, and when they call me and demand a conversation from me, my border may be violated.
There is another kind of boundaries - personal boundaries - boundaries that separate my spiritual world from another person’s world.. This is the boundary that allows me to separate my feelings, sensations, thoughts from the feelings, sensations and thoughts of another person.Violation of personal boundaries is the manipulation, the use by one person of another for their own purposes. For example, manipulation through accusations, when you are told that only you are to blame for my troubles, in my bad mood, that everything in my life is so bad, and then only you can fix it all. And then you, accepting my accusations and experiencing a terrible feeling of guilt for all your misdeeds, can give me something good: a gift, support, love, attention. But I don’t ask you about it, you give it to me because you are guilty. And you give not because you want to give, but in order to get rid of the feeling of guilt.
A dependent person suffers from the fact that his borders are violated, but he cannot restore them, because he is focused on an OTHER person., he separates himself badly from him, sometimes he sacrifices himself to love, work, children, without noticing how he ruins his own life.